Women praise me for putting the toilet seat back down after I pee I never lift it up
The reason I don't delete certain people off my FaceBook? Because everyone loves a good trainwreck
I told every girlfriend I've had for the past 5 years that I have never came from a blowjob They all try to be the first to make me, and they feel like they accomplished something when I do.
I was in the supermarket and saw a loud spoiled child running with a shopping cart toward a pole I did nothing to stop him and he lost his two front teetth
my wife doesn't like to go to new restaurants i buy gift cards to restaurants I want to try and tell her I got them from work.
I took a $5 sports bet from a drunk guy in a bar the game was a replay
If all your pictures are a close up of your face I automatically assume you're fat
I like it when the fat lady at Subway makes my sandwich because she piles food on it like she would her own
A woman was tailgating me on the way to work So I brake checked her the next time she took a sip of coffee, causing it to spill all over her
I SENT AN EMAIL TO MY BOSS USING A FAKE NAME COMMENDING MY WORK I GOT A PROMOTION
Laugh more daily