I take my girlfriend with me to get my hair cut because seeing another woman wash my hair leads to crazy, jealous sex.
I don't want to go out with the guy that likes me But I don't want him to go out with anyone else either.
WHEN I GET WITH A NEW GUY I TELL HIM I'VE NEVER HAD AN ORGASM SO HE TRIES HARDER AND THE SEX IS ALWAYS BETTER
4 Years in college and I still can't spell "definitley" correctly
when friends ask for advice with girls i give different advice to each of them just to see which approach actually works
I STOLE MY NEIGHBORS DOG BECAUSE THEY WERE ALWAYS LOSING IT AND IT WAS NEGLECTED AND GAVE IT TO MY EX-WIFE AND I DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT AT ALL
I bought my brother and his friends de-alcoholized beer So I could watch them act Drunk all night
I always drive when I'm with my girlfriend Because I'm afraid her driving will kill us both
The people in the apartment next to me watch music on youtube very loud at 1-3 in the morning So I hack their router and lock them out of it
People think I drink smoothies to be healthy I drink them because I put rum in them and enjoy day drinking without judgement
Laugh more daily