You don't read? Don't talk to me.
You want a FIRST edition of "The Iliad"? Sure. You build the fire, and I'll warm up my voice. I hope my ancient Greek's not too rusty.
Ask me to watch your kid while you go get coffee? Sure! I definitely studied medieval literature in college for that.
No, you can't buy a book, photocopy it at Staples, and return it for a full refund. Thanks for alerting me to your cunning scheme, genius.
Wow! You have the best job! It must be great to be able to sit behind the desk and read all day. *Headdesk*
Um, no, I'm pretty sure Anne Frank DID write "The Diary of Anne Frank." Though if you want to let her know she didn't actually experience that atrocity, she might be happy to hear it.