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Kid: "Does [your dog] eat legos?" Me: "I don't think so. He would if they were food." I'm so lame. What kind of idiot lets their dog sniff legos if it might eat them? He would if they were food? What does that even mean? If they were food they wouldn't be

Kid:
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152 shares

"Sorry bro I really can't make it to your wedding.." "Perhapes next time"
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1,155,302 shares

went to hockey game with sister got on kiss cam

went to hockey game with sister got on kiss cam
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811,361 shares

Start same sentence 3 times someone talks over you every time

Start same sentence 3 times someone talks over you every time
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789,721 shares

Has imaginary argument in head Makes corresponding facial expressions and looks insane

Has imaginary argument in head Makes corresponding facial expressions and looks insane
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785,738 shares

After 45 minutes alone in a restaurant a waiter kindly told me i'd been stood up I was waiting for my family

After 45 minutes alone in a restaurant a waiter kindly told me i'd been stood up I was waiting for my family
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778,243 shares

Didnt ask gfs parents what to call them two years later, still just talks in their direction

Didnt ask gfs parents what to call them two years later, still just talks in their direction
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715,339 shares

notices a girl's whistle and ask if it's a rape whistle. she says yes. asks "does it work?"

notices a girl's whistle and ask if it's a rape whistle. she says yes. asks
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715,287 shares

Proud Atheist Name is jesus

Proud Atheist Name is jesus
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679,727 shares

the awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people actually think you are stupid

the awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people actually think you are stupid
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662,159 shares

Tries to compliment female colleague "there are fatter girls than you"

Tries to compliment female colleague
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644,804 shares

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