Mitch Hedberg

I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm just here for the upvotes

I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm just here for the upvotes  Mitch Hedberg

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a special woman. But this can backfire, because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with but now it’s being cheapened. 'We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make

Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a special woman. But this can backfire, because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with but now it’s being cheapened. 'We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make   Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer  Mitch Hedberg

My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." And I said "No man, it's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we percieve it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought... "man, I should have just said 'yeah'."

My friend said to me

Sometimes in the middle of the night while on reddit, I see something funny, then I give it an upvote. But if I'm not logged in, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Sometimes in the middle of the night while on reddit, I see something funny, then I give it an upvote. But if I'm not logged in, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.  Mitch Hedberg

You can't please all the people all the time And yesterday all those people, where in my class

You can't please all the people all the time And yesterday all those people, where in my class  Mitch Hedberg

Maybe in the old days there was a wolf that did comedy. And he wasn’t that funny. All the old clubs had straw in the back. But the wolf would have a bad set. And he’d huff and puff and fuck shit up. Then we went to sticks. And once again he hu

Maybe in the old days there was a wolf that did comedy. And he wasn’t that funny. All the old clubs had straw in the back. But the wolf would have a bad set. And he’d huff and puff and fuck shit up. Then we went to sticks. And once again he hu  Mitch Hedberg

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?'  It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.  Mitch Hedberg

i used to be broke i still am, but i used to be too

i used to be broke i still am, but i used to be too  Mitch Hedberg
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